Dear Dr. Patty Ann,
My boyfriend and I have been together for four years now. We are both currently in our 20s and in a long distance relationship because I moved away for school. But I always return for the summer and holidays.
In November his best friend passsed away in an accidental death. He has been having a difficult time dealing with it. Then his parents decided to get divorced which really hit him hard as well because they were always a close family; then his boss starting threatening to fire him even though he is an excellent worker.
Four weeks ago a switch suddenly flipped and he started taking all his anger out on me and our relationship. He would say awful things to me, that he doesn’t love me any more and just being mean. He also started turning to alcohol so he wouldn’t feel the loss of his best friend.
He then tried to break up with me. Again saying he doesn’t love me and that our relationship is stupid. I convinced him that we should just take a break instead of fully breaking up. He said it was stupid because he is just going to say the same thing in a month but we have broken up in the past and in a month he always wants me back.
I know what he is saying isn’t true. That it is the alcohol talking and his anger at the loss of his friend. I am just wondering how I can make him understand that. I have tried telling him that before but he just won’t reply to me or he will tell me to stop talking because he doesn’t like to hear it. I love him so much and I know we are meant to be together. 4 years is a lot to throw away.
How can I make him see that I am not to blame and that all I want to do is be there for him?
I know everyone grieves differently and that he just hasn’t grieved properly. Our relationship was amazing before we were always laughing, having fun and when I was away we would text and talk all day. This isn’t who he is and I want the old him back.
– Haven’t given up
Dear Haven’t given up,
Thank you for reaching out to me regarding this very difficult situation! Your situation is very complicated – however, let me try to give you some helpful advice.
You seem to be making many excuses for your boyfriend. Yes he has gone through a difficult time however, he is not handling these things in a healthy manner.
As painful as it is to accept at the moment – you can’t make someone want to be with you if they don’t want to be with you. My professional advice is to give him some room and see if he reaches out in the future to rekindle the relationship. Otherwise, try to remember things happen for a reason.
Finally – you deserve to be loved by someone who is deserving of your love!
Feel free to explore some of my professional relationship products here: